Time

Time: an uncontrollable conundrum.
We've organized it brilliantly,
Keeping tabs on it, controlling it,
But all the labels in the world can't help the fact
That time goes on without a care of what we think about it.

Whether or not we call the light "day"
Or lay our heads down at "night",
Time will do as it pleases,
Either vastly oblivious we have tried to contain it
Or fully aware that we keep it tied up.

But between each tick and tock,
There are moments that live in between time,
Moments that cannot be captured by a time frame
Or an exact hour.
Sometimes, life takes a surprising amount of time.

Falling in love took no time at all.
Time was irrelevant when I called him my friend,
When we walked side by side and thought of nothing in particular,
Time passed without me watching,
Life happened without me counting.

Three days time was all it took;
In three days time, I fell in love with my best friend.
Not an astonishing amount of "time" had transpired,
But astonishing moments have been happening since,
Outside the confines of time, almost cosmic.

With him, I look up and say,
"You've really outdone Yourself."
Together, we say,
"Help us be more like You."
Never in all my time did I think I deserved that kind of love.

Now, as I take my imaginary reigns of time,
(For I know I have no say in it's pace),
I long to speed it up;
To race through to the milestones,
To avoid every time I am alone.

But what have I now but endless Time?
With my Almighty God, I am limited only by this earthly body.
All the Love and Time I have to give comes from Above,
For he is the Holder of Time; He wears Time on a pendant
And does not dictate how we choose to use His Time.

I will be forever grateful to my God,
For with His Time,
He has allowed me to love and be loved.
He has given me love that I do not deserve.
I will spend my time praising His gracious name.


"But you must not forget this one thing, dear friends: A day is like a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years is like a day." 2 Peter 3:8

Leste, Best.

Distance. Like, a lot of distance.
794 miles.

That's... 4,192,320 feet (Yes, I used a calculator. Yes, I messed up more than once).

That's pretty far, considering my favorite place to be is 1 ft away from you, in the same room. Laughing in unison, eating anything from health shakes to chocolate truffles and sipping chai tea. Reminiscing, talking smack, and always, always eating. 

We talk of new favorite songs, hilarious jokes, heart wrenching struggles, and Jesus. And at every moment, even with this vast distance between us, I still have you close. Despite the millions of things keeping us apart, you're forever a prayer away (and thankfully, a text away, too).

Celeste Elizabeth Burnham, you are my best friend. 

I could not have woven together a more beautiful story for us if I tried. God's perfect handwriting is scrawled all over the pages of our friendship. And you are not just one chapter, like many fleeting things in my life. You, like all the most important people I've been blessed with, have seen me through my absolute worst. The pages of the book I want to ink over or rip out.

When I say "worst", I don't just mean the petty fights and the bad hair days. I don't just mean the days I feel fat or the days I forget to tell you I love you. I mean the days where I am simply unlovable. Where I speak like a hypocrite and I deliberately don't practice what I preach. 

You love me in a way the mirrors that of our Father, so lavishly and undeservingly. And although you will be the first to admit you're not perfect, that's fine with me-- I don't love you because you're perfect. I love you because we trust mutually, share honestly, and connect authentically.

I saw you last 163 days ago. When I say goodbye to you, I feel like a toddler being told she can't play with her favorite toy, and to sit down and not cry about it either. But I know that even with these huge gaps in being near you, I never feel like you are away. You are so much of my heart. 

You are the best of my life, Celeste. I truly mean that. When I look back to the seasons of my most inward growth and outward expression, you are there.  You're there loving me and encouraging me, and I don't know how you have the patience! You've taught me so much about what it means to listen, what it means to advise. You put up with my loud, obnoxious hellos and my long, tearful goodbyes. You deal with my inconsistencies and my selfishness, only to turn around with more love and affirmation. You make me better, and I pray I reflect much of the same for you. You are deserving, you are worth it. You are a gift. Don't forget it.

Without you, I'd still be looking down at my motionless feet, wondering why I wasn't moving. You help me run toward Him. Thank you for running with me. This weird life is better with you.

Olive the love, Meg

Prone to Wander

A loss of one's sense of self.

An indifference to one's moral integrity.

An unshakable numbness, warming one moment then frigid the next.


I don't feel like myself.
I don't wake up and thank God for all my blessings.
I don't instantly play my Jesus playlist when I bike to school.
I don't say my prayers at night.

I don't feel like myself.
I'm quick to gossip and slow to forgive.
I'm body conscious, worth-conscious, overall self-conscious.
I'm looking to receive love when I give it, often selfishly.

I don't feel like myself.
And I haven't for a several months.

I could blame this change on my busy schedule
My taxing workload
My lack of deep friendships.

I could blame my mistakes on anything.
Take no personal responsibility for the way my life looks.

But I won't.
The problem is inherent in the fact that I am human.

I've not been coming to God with my struggles because I haven't seen these things as struggles.
I see them as... independence.
Self-worth.
Growing up.
I don't ask God if I'm being who He wants me to be because
I'm ashamed of my habits
And I don't want Him to see them.
I don't want to be a hypocrite.
And asking for forgiveness would confirm that I am one.

I am one, indeed.

But grace, sweet grace that is incomprehensible to me, especially now,
Is not about me.
Grace and the blessings that come from it have nothing to do with how good I am
Or how bad I am.
Grace has everything to do with who God is.
How God loves.
Grace gives me permission to have bad days.
Grace allows me to come before the throne in the midst of my defilement.
Grace ensures me that I am never outside the view of the Most High.

The knowledge of this fact should be enough.
Before recently, mere knowledge hasn't been enough.
Satan grips tighter and pulls harder;
Now knowledge needs to turn into permanence.
And God is so willing to let that happen.

If only I choose to unfurl my fists.
If only I choose to drop the knife.

Choice in itself is grace.
I can choose grace.
For it is already there to be taken.
He has already forgiven me.

"Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it.

Prone to leave the God I love.

Take my heart, Lord, take and seal it.

Seal it for thy courts above."

The Face Of God

I stare into the face of God.

He is depicted as an elderly man,

With long flowing locks,

Riding upon the clouds

All these ornate cathedrals, cast in gold and crowded with images from scripture. 

All this for a man

A man who was God 

A man, like so many of his time,

Was crucified.

A rather common punishment 

For the most hardened of criminals.

His story was one that shouldn't have made it out of Jerusalem.

He could have been deemed

"Just another self-proclaimed Messiah"

"Just another crucified"

Yet, as I gaze upon the seemingly endless interiors proclaiming His name,

His truth is affirmed.

Paintings, sculptures, undeniable works of art,

All exuding the indescribable, unparalleled truth

Of salvation

Of grace

Of redemption.

He lives not only in these extravagant temples, in these wealthy cities.

He lives in the slums of countries that have no running water.

He lives in the makeshift huts

Where people gather to praise Him.

No frescos, no gold statues, no striking organs and harpsichord.

Just filled with the greatest symphony of all:

The song of His people;

A never ending composition

With no key,

No tempo,

No form.

I stare into the face of God

But His image is not here on the ceilings of cathedrals

He is in my soul;

A battered man who's death was anything but picturesque.

Yet still, the most beautiful image one could ever fathom.

The Journey, Pt. 2

June 20th, 2014

So, I haven't written here since I arrived in Germany almost 2 weeks ago. That's because Germany is AWESOME and I want to spend all my time exploring; writing blog posts would take too much time away from that! But alas, I have a few minutes, and I want to document this adventure!

First here are some things I've noticed about Germany:

1. The food is so delicious. Never once have I thought, "...is this meat real?" Meals take more time, eating is a family event rather than an obligatory routine.

2. People are less... social. They typically don't start up conversations.

3. The store clerks don't bug you to buy anything.

4. On the note of stores: all the sale items are at the front of the store, not all the way in the back like in the U.S. Definitely appreciate this one!

5. Road signs are different, but most of the rules are the same. Except for the lack of speed limits.

6. Public transportation is generally clean and easy to use.

7. I feel like an idiot more than I'd like; everyone here is nearly (if not completely) fluent in English, not to mention a few other languages. I can barely say 3 words in German.

8. I want to live here.

Granted, there are times when I miss Waco, my dear friends at Baylor, and all the many activities I do there, but part of me feels at home in Germany already. I even got the chance to talk with the music teacher on base to ask about what it's like to teach at a DOD school. What a cool job, to teach music overseas to military kiddos like myself! I'll definitely be applying for that.

So far, we've gotten to wander around downtown Stuttgart through some of the historic as well as modern parts of the city. For the most part, we are still getting used to our surroundings. We are preparing to go on a 2 week vacation all around Germany, Austria, and even Switzerland for a day!

Downtown Stuttgart, Königstraße

I think one of the things I am learning is that God is... gosh, just so much bigger than I ever thought. I don't give Him enough credit. He's been real to me in my life, supreme and sovereign. But now, coming to Europe, I see that He is present here too, in the furthest reaches of the earth that I will never see. And He loves me-- even if I am cranky from jet lag or cursing because my laptop breaks, or when I am embarrassed that I can't communicate with a stranger. I feel so blessed everyday just to be here, sitting in my hotel room, looking out the window at the cobblestone roads and pathways. He gives me peace to accept the things I can't understand and the passion to pursue the answers.

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June 23rd, 2014

PARIS FREAKIN FRANCE! Holy smokes, I get all in a tizzy just thinking about it.

Here's the deal: I've wanted to go to France for a long time (who doesn't?), but the desire to go heightened after the spring semester of 2010 during my first French class in high school. Part of that desire had a lot to do with the fact that my teacher, Mrs. Stoneback, was my cheer coach, student council sponsor, mentor, and spiritual guide; really, if she was involved in it, I was too.

I was actually pretty good at French. Did 4 semesters in high school, went to Haiti and got to speak there, tested into level II in college, and finished up French in Hawaii during summer classes. I've been in love with the language and the culture for the past 4.5 years. And boy do my parents know it.

Dad and Michelle surprised us with a hangman puzzle, the result reading, "Weekend in Paris". Well, I cried like a baby for a solid 15, then started packing.

We boarded the bus at 2:30AM, and 10 hours later (don't ask), we were in Paris.

Oh, the city was breathtaking. History everywhere, food everywhere, selfie opportunities everywhere. It was like a dream, like I had dove into one of my textbooks and rolled around in the pages. I was encompassed my Paris, totally absorbed in the Notre Dame, the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower, the flow of the Seine. The Eiffel Tower was my favorite-- going to the top was actually quite scary, we were so dang high up! But the views were incomparable to any views I'd experienced.

Sommet de la Tour Eiffel

 As the only French speaker in the family, I got to order meals and ask questions. I felt like all my training was building up to this one trip.

False, 'cause Lord knows I'm going again.

It was only two days, which for me, was way too short. But I was so thankful to be there, even for a short time. This trip definitely confirmed my love for France, and I can't wait to see more!

The Journey - Summer Blog 2014 Pt. 1

Summer (The Journey)  2014 Blog

Let’s just begin this by saying that I am incredibly blessed. It seems that just a few short months ago, I had no idea what I would be doing this summer. I figured that I would have a repeat of my last summer, staying somewhere for 3 months, taking a couple classes, and working some minimum wage job. I accepted this as my fate, despite the tingling in my travel-hungry bones. “I want to LIVE,” I kept reeling in my head, “before I REALLY have to start acting like an adult.” Ah, how young adulthood is so fleeting.

This repetitious summer quickly turned spectacular. Unprecedented. Unbelievable, really. Within a few weeks, my summer plans solidified. God must’ve looked down on me and said, “Ok, kiddo. Just in case you weren’t ABSOLUTELY sure that I love you, here’s an incredible 3 months for you.”

And so it begins. Here, I will document the memories, meals, meaningful conversations and the like of my Summer 2014 (which I have endearingly began to call “The Journey”.) The following is a line-up of the places and faces I will have the pleasure of viewing over the next 80 days:

1.       My uncle Mike’s wedding in Reading, Pennsylvania

2.       My friends Ashley and Nathan's wedding in Destin, Florida

3.       My grandparents’ 50^th wedding anniversary in Sarasota, FL (if you haven’t caught on yet, LOVE is a big theme of the summer’s excursions!)

4.       Moving to Germany (whuuut?) and spending a several days exploring Europe

5.       Studying abroad with Baylor in Austria in Salzburg

6.       Returning to Waco, Texas for Community Leader (CL) fall training

Between these 6 bullet points lies an adventure. Countless cities, numerous states, three countries, and innumerable flights to and from each point—journeys begetting more journeys, memories manifesting more memories. My deepest desire for this summer is that I be present in each of these moments, soaking up every little conversation, every little sight— to treat each day (and every day, for that matter) as a divine appointment. It’s going to be quite a ride.

Father, I pray for a heart of thankfulness, a heart that remembers that I did nothing to deserve these blessings, but that I am merely an object standing in the midst of Your presence. You give so freely and so lavishly. Guard my mind from giving into thoughts of worry, especially regarding the things I cannot control. I pray for Your wisdom and guidance as I keep my eyes open to what You may be teaching me in this season. You are so good, Lord. I trust You, I love you.

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Day 1: Denver International Airport (Present: Mom, Dani, Kristin, Me, Devon, and Danielle)

Well holy smokes. If there ever was a more inconvenient day to book a flight, it would be May 21^st out of Denver. Not only was there severe tornados in the area, but intense hailstorms, too. Airports are already filled with people on edge— now imagine those same people, but all in a dizzy about how the weather was “a bad omen”.  Admittedly, there was an air of uneasiness as people watched our family of 6 cart through the airport with 7 checked bags, individual carry-ons, and 2 weather-frightened daughters.

Oy.

Surprisingly, our flight wasn’t too delayed. We did fly through a lightning storm, which was TERRIFYING, but so incredibly cool. The clouds around us lit up, giving light to the vastness of a midnight sky. God’s majesty was displayed out there, man. I kept repeating things like, “GOD IS SO COOl!” while others around me offered a timid, “is this dangerous…?” I guess we all have our own reactions.

We landed at the Wilmington airport in Delaware, the tiniest, dinkiest little airport you ever did see. We walked to our hotel with all our luggage, stumbling around in the dark. Luckily the place was only about 100 feet from the terminal. Kristin, Devon, and I shared a room for the evening. After the day we endured, we all fell asleep without any troubles.

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Kristin, Me, Devon, Evan, and Danielle

Day 2:

Each day just gets more and more interesting. Upon arriving into Reading, Pennsylvania from Delaware, we encounter a hailstorm. This was not just any hailstorm—oh no. Luckily we were safely inside our hotel room by the time the golf ball-sized chucks came whirring to the earth, shattering every windshield in sight. After the storm passed, nearly everyone in the hotel was in the parking lot, on the phone with their insurance company, cursing the sky or even cursing each other.

Whilst in the lobby, I happened to meet my future aunt-in-law, Amber. I recognized her from our many social media exchanges. She was frazzled because she and my uncle Mike were going to miss their wedding rehearsal. Thankfully, all was sorted out. It was nice to support and encourage each other as a first impression due to the stress the storm brought. It’s amazing how seemingly wicked things can be used as tools for bonding.

The dinner was wonderful, and as my uncle Mike put it, “the best night of my life, until tomorrow.” Seeing my family all in one place, taking pictures that were long overdue, having a blast just being around each other, was all so refreshing and life-giving. I gave and received so many hugs—my heart is full!

Tomorrow begins the happenings for the wedding—hair and makeup appointments, dresses, manicures, miscellaneous errands, transportation and being on call in case Amber needs anything! And then, of course, soaking up all the fun of the wedding itself. 2 days down.

Lord, thank you for family. Thank you for the joy of merely being in the presence of a loved one, and thank you for the feeling of warmth from a smile across the room. Thank you for your provision and for your majesty, displayed in the weather and in the recovery of the same. You are so much grander than our plans and scheduling. Thank you for reminding us to be humble and attentive to Your will.

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Day 3:

The wedding was divine! Oh, how lovely it is to see family and good friends after so long. The ceremony was pleasant—outdoor and quaint. The reception was quite the party, and we danced the night away. After the day of crazy yesterday, it was so good to finally have good weather and plans running smoothly. Everyone looked so good! I feel like I've known Amber for years; she fits into our family seamlessly! She is so kind, caring, and so much fun! She's the perfect match for one of the greatest guys I know, Uncle Mike. 

Amber and Mike, exchanging rings

Can’t wait for the rest of this time in PA. I'll get to see so many family members I haven't seen in years! So pumped!

My beautiful Mommy

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Day 6:

(In the Philly airport waiting to get to Ft. Walton Beach)

The trip to the East Coast was so great. Can’t believe my time there is already over! I saw so many people that I’ve loved my whole life, some for half, and some I met that weekend that I already love!  The family reunion for Lexi’s birthday was so perfect. Lots of people, good food, perfect weather, lots of room to run around. It was so good to finally see my immediate family mingling, giving and receiving love. I’m so glad the girls and I finally got to vacation together!They look good in PA!

It’s been a little rough for me, especially yesterday. Feelings of rejection started to settle in and I began to second guess some decisions. After a lot of counsel and love, I was reassured that I have recently made good decisions, and that looking for a pathway of destruction only hurts me in the end, not the people who have hurt me. I’ve been praying so much about this. Mostly I am so thankful that I was with loving people as I went through this issue.

Lord, thank you for Your goodness. You are so indescribably protecting and giving, and You look out for every one of my needs. I live for your Kingdom—show me how I can be used by You, how I can exude Your love, not my own doubts and opinions. Hold me in Your almighty hands, move me at Your will.

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Day 10:

It sure is great to be back in Fort Walton Beach, FL! The sights, the sounds—it’s all coming back to me! I am fortunate enough to be staying with the Acocks, two of the nicest people I’ve ever met. They are so generous, always asking what they can do for me. I hope to be this hospitable in the future!

I’ve been spending lots of time with the other bridesmaids, and they are so great! I knew Ashley had a good judge of character J It is so good to be around other young, Christian women who want to soak up this vacation and tend to Ashley’s needs as much as I do. We are all so excited to see her get married!

Alissa, Ashley, Rose, and JoAnn

So far, we’ve gone to the beach quite a bit, watched TV, and ate. But for the latter half of the week we've done nothing but partake in wedding preparations! Arranging flowers, tying bows on chairs, nail appointments, running errands, the works. Last night was the bachelorette party, which consisted of dinner at McGuire’s, getting lost between Fort Walton and Destin, an awesome playlist (created by yours truly), and some other shenanigans which are strictly kept secret. After all the planning and running around, it was so good to be able to just have fun with these incredible women!

Today is the bridal luncheon, then probably more setting up at the church. We all need a restful night, since call time tomorrow for the big day is 8:30am! Can’t believe she’s getting married!

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Day 11: THEY ARE WED!

Ashley and Nathan Howell

                Ashley and Nathan were married today! After over year of planning, a long few days of prepping, and an excitement-filled morning, I can’t believe it’s already over! The Howells are now off on their honeymoon, and the church is devoid of purple and teal decorations once more. I have made some new friends, and will cherish the memories I have with these amazing people!

                I have stood by Ashley as a friend for years, and today, I stood by her to witness her first moments of marriage. It’s hard for a girl not to think about who she will one day stand with at the alter, exchanging vows and rings. But my heart is set with the Lord, the one who has already given me my forever. He says “I do” every day, and the best days are the days in which I rejoice in that truth. He has proven His love for me in so many ways, and definitely shown me His love through the love surrounding me today. I saw Him everywhere.

                Congratulations, Ashley and Nathan! May today be the first of many incredible memories of your marriage. I am so thrilled I could be there to take it in!

Father, thank You for the gift of companionship. Thank you for not leaving us to go through this life alone. Thank you not only for love in marriage, but love in friends and family. Your love shines through the people closest to us, and my deepest desire is to spread that love as thick and as far as I can. You are so good, God.

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Day 15: Sarasota, FL

At my grandparents' house, I truly feel like I'm at home. So much of my life has been spent within these walls, surrounded by decades of memories and stories, not to mention endless pictures of my dad throughout his youth and teenage years. Wow, what a stunner he was!

I feel young again when I sit outside on the lanai, listening to Grammi talk about the old days in New York, watching the white herons sneak around the edges of the lake. I operate every latch, every switch, every twist and turn of this house with expertise; I know that every utensil in the kitchen has its particular place, and I know exactly what time our favorite shows grace the television.

It's routine, it's unchanging, yet it's beautiful. I still never known the quick-witted, hysterical lines Grammi will utter, her New York accent dripping from every word. But I can count on her spunk, her wisdom. My grandfather, always working hard, but always ready to join the fun with his unfiltered, I-can't-believe-you-just-said-that humor.  I love them, and just being here makes me content.

My family is here in Sarasota because my grandparents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Who would have thought, the young couple who met on a blind date in New York would be forever known as the Beckers. Everyone who is in this house this week is here as a result of a blind date. Grammi always says how completely unexpectedly Grandpa came along. And fifty years later, I get to observe how completely amazing the unexpected can be.

But is my God not strong?

I am weak.

I am doubtful.

I am scared.

I am wandering.

I am powerless

I am worrisome.

I am hurt.

***

But is my God not strong?

Is he not all powerful,

the most Almighty?

Is my God not listening, woven into every fiber of my life,

and yours?

Is my God not watchful, is he not protective?

Is my God not my deliverer,

the Savior of the world?

And is my God not jealous

when I give my heart to the ways of this world.

Is he not wrathful?

Yet, is not unconditionally loving, forgiving all the time?

Is my God not here.

Now.

When my breaths are short

and the tears stream long.

Is my God not present right now,

just as present as He was when he raised the dead

and died Himself?

Is my God not worthy of all praise?

***

"I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered in shame." -Psalm 34:4-5