Prone to Wander

A loss of one's sense of self.

An indifference to one's moral integrity.

An unshakable numbness, warming one moment then frigid the next.


I don't feel like myself.
I don't wake up and thank God for all my blessings.
I don't instantly play my Jesus playlist when I bike to school.
I don't say my prayers at night.

I don't feel like myself.
I'm quick to gossip and slow to forgive.
I'm body conscious, worth-conscious, overall self-conscious.
I'm looking to receive love when I give it, often selfishly.

I don't feel like myself.
And I haven't for a several months.

I could blame this change on my busy schedule
My taxing workload
My lack of deep friendships.

I could blame my mistakes on anything.
Take no personal responsibility for the way my life looks.

But I won't.
The problem is inherent in the fact that I am human.

I've not been coming to God with my struggles because I haven't seen these things as struggles.
I see them as... independence.
Self-worth.
Growing up.
I don't ask God if I'm being who He wants me to be because
I'm ashamed of my habits
And I don't want Him to see them.
I don't want to be a hypocrite.
And asking for forgiveness would confirm that I am one.

I am one, indeed.

But grace, sweet grace that is incomprehensible to me, especially now,
Is not about me.
Grace and the blessings that come from it have nothing to do with how good I am
Or how bad I am.
Grace has everything to do with who God is.
How God loves.
Grace gives me permission to have bad days.
Grace allows me to come before the throne in the midst of my defilement.
Grace ensures me that I am never outside the view of the Most High.

The knowledge of this fact should be enough.
Before recently, mere knowledge hasn't been enough.
Satan grips tighter and pulls harder;
Now knowledge needs to turn into permanence.
And God is so willing to let that happen.

If only I choose to unfurl my fists.
If only I choose to drop the knife.

Choice in itself is grace.
I can choose grace.
For it is already there to be taken.
He has already forgiven me.

"Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it.

Prone to leave the God I love.

Take my heart, Lord, take and seal it.

Seal it for thy courts above."