I find myself in the midst of a rough transition. Me, standing in the middle of a place that I do not know. Doubt, confusion, and regret beg for my allegiance, telling me I'd be better off playing in their games.
In times like this, I tend to pray. A lot. My prayers are repetitive and desperate and usually soaked in tears. I pray the moment I open my eyes in the morning, I pray as I get ready, throughout my day...
I pray that God would heal a broken situation, a broken heart. That He would make something beautiful out of something so messy. I pray He takes feelings off my heart that aren't meant to be, and that He may re-focus my attention onto His glory and His Kingdom.
I pray He makes me better. That He would make me worth loving.
Through these moments of prayer, I encounter the living God. I see Him answering prayer, responding to my defeat by lacing His hands into mine and whispering, "your story is not over yet." In my heart, I hear the voice of my Savior, calling me to trust His goodness.
It is not because if anything I am or have done that makes me worth loving, worth cherishing, but the light of the Lord within me. And honestly, I've only just recently realized this defining truth. I constantly reprimand myself, thinking, "what's wrong with me," "get ahold of yourself, Becker", and sometimes even worse: "you aren't worth it." I am quickly reminded of these falsehoods through the words and company of family and good friends. They see my crumbling confidence and speak truth into my life. I am eternally grateful for them.
I still don't feel great about where I am. There are days of great progress followed by days of sleeping and Hägen-Daas. And while my mind may understand that everything will be alright, my heart still attempts to make the same connection. Happiness comes in bursts, and through those sparks, I become hopeful. Still, despite the compromised "happiness", I still live in a constant state of joy: Joy that I know my God, joy that I am still alive and living in grace, Joy that He loves me.
That joy is uncompromisable, ineffable.
"Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; He saved me from all my troubles." -Psalm 34:5-6
