I'm entranced by the strained, cigarette-stained throat of John Mayer as well as the animated, computed voice of T-Pain. When I put my iPod on shuffle, I close my eyes and let music take me in. I can see Randall Stroope’s cufflinks shimmer in the
concert hall as “The Conversion of Saul” commences just as well as I see
Michael Jackson’s glove delicately touch the microphone. I hear the Lord clap
his mighty, appreciative hands at the soulful skill of Bille Holliday’s “They
Can’t Take That Away From Me” and also for Gershwin’s “Rhapsody in Blue”.
My soul is moved from earth to heaven in
these sacred moments. One ‘music’ with succeeding, daughter sects does not
exist; music is one, whole, and all-encompassing.
Music is greater than the boxes we put it in. It is more powerful than most realize. So no, I don't have a favorite genre. Music itself is my favorite genre. Each succeeding beat is a new revelation.
Since Monday, all I've consumed has been the Master Cleanse, a drink that consists of distilled water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. This drink is known for it's success during weight loss, and after I found that out, I was sold.
I'm not unlike every other girl, despite my life in Christ; I still feel uncomfortable in my body and wish I was "prettier" and "skinnier". Certainly not all the time, though. Still, I felt this consuming desire to partake in this cleanse in order to lose weight and jump start a healthier diet. I heard from several people that this sort of thing was actually good for the body, so I figured that was a perk to my scheme.
Let me tell you this: worst two days of my life. While drinking this awful-tasting thing, I experienced nausea, fatigue, crabbiness, and obviously, hunger. Never before have I thought of food so much. I guess while preparing for this cleanse I thought that I would be able to handle the unpleasant taste of the drink, but did not foresee being so hungry. The taste was unpleasant, but not unbearable. Although the cayenne pepper did leave a painful aftertaste at times.
I have to digress back a few weeks to make my point firm. For the past several weeks, I find that I'm always consoling young girls and women my age that there is no need for them to be crash dieting, starving themselves, or exercising excessively for weight loss: "You are beautiful right now! Don't base your worth on the number on the scale! Don't put a numerical limit on how God views you!", and so on and so forth. I was preaching an awful lot on self-worth, even writing songs and my last blog post about it! I had young girls approach me profusely with "thank you"'s the past few weeks with how my advice helped them so much in rediscovering their self-confidence. I felt so overjoyed to have been used this way by our Father, the One who loves us no matter our weight, shape, or size.
He loves us far beyond our quantity (or lack there of, in some cases). He loves us even beyond many of our qualities. Unconditional means without condition. I was preaching unconditional love to young girls.
I did not apply this unconditional love, acceptance, beauty, or grace to myself, though.
Not that I didn't think that God loves me no matter what I look like, but I equated my beauty with the number on my scale; I wanted to be thin for me, and unjustly so. I wanted the image, the fantasy, the attention, none of which are justified reasons to go on a crash diet, not for me at least.
I tried to apply a spiritual element to the cleanse, claiming that since this is the Lenten season, I could pray every time I got hungry. But I could not admit this as legitimate for long: How could I give God this "sacrifice" when it was not intended for Him in the first place? It was all for me. For my pride.
I know this was only a 2 day period of not eating. How could I have realized such a profound thing in 2 days, you might be asking. Well, I pray an awful lot. I pray for closeness and wholeness in Christ, and when one prays in that way, God tends to show up. I believe that He convinced me to stop after such a short time because one can only go so long living with Christ beside them before realizing their unwise paths. He spoke to me through friends that were concerned, and even more than that, spoke through friends who straight-up demanded that I stop.
I also figured that this cleanse was something I wouldn't want to tell my good friends or family about, which, for future reference, probably means it's not a wise idea to begin with.
Please don't misunderstand me: I'm not saying that dieting and living a healthy lifestyle are sinful matters. Not at all! I believe that our bodies are temples and that we should care for them properly. But what I was doing was not for health or "cleansing". The only cleansing I can experience with guaranteed effects is the blood of my Savior, who forgives me and welcomes me home every time I come to Him with tears in my eyes.
I suppose "cleansing" is a loaded word. One could go on a cleanse, as in a diet, to rid their body of impurities. One can cleanse themselves externally, to eliminate the obvious physical imperfections. But the cleanse that I needed, the one that actually benefited me these past few days, was a reminder of my Father who cares for me and sees me as more than a body.
He sees you as a child, one that He created like no one else. You are cleansed through Him. That's all we really need.
"She checks out her reflection in the mirror, for some reason,
she don't see that beauty is in the picture.
Thinking her image's flawed, He ain't make her like those models.
Thinks her figure's a mistake, He only making Coke bottles.
Nah, coke bottles are plastic, mannequins are plastic,
It never ceases to amaze me how little I actually do in my life.
Yes, if you know me even a little, you know that I am constantly moving. I am involved in several campus clubs, teams, activities, etc., as well as being a 20-credit hour music student. I hardly sleep, and lately, even eating has become a lesser priority (which, again, if you know me, is unbelievable!)
But me, myself: I hardly do anything to make my life as incredible as it is. It's all Him. He is always giving.
Even in the midst of those moments where I feel He is absent in my day, my thoughts never travel far on this path. It is so obvious how He is moving in every aspect of my life. He is active in my friendships, academics, mission pursuits, prayers, and even my song writing. So yes, I am physically doing a lot of work. But God is busy in my life. God is making all of these fruits manifest within me.
It's just incredible to think about: When I first became a follower of Christ, I prayed for two things specifically:
1. Wisdom
2. To be a vessel
I longed for wisdom after reading Solomon's writings and realizing what an incredible gift it was to have. Wisdom asks more than what the "right" or "moral" response is; wisdom as this life-altering connotation. Wisdom says something can be "right" yet still be "unwise". I wanted that discernment, not only for myself, but to share with others.
I prayed to be a vessel of the Lord, overflowing with spiritual blessings only to be filled again. I wanted, no matter how difficult or challenging, to be a servant of our great and powerful God! I wanted to be whatever He wanted me to be and let go of all the minor, insignificant plans I had for my life.
He has been faithful to these two prayers of mine.
He proposes to me every day. He shows me just how much He has for me, in this small 24-hour time period, and brings me back every time I wake up. He makes Himself known through me, and that's all I could ever hope for. My education, career, status, and even desires are secondary to my primary title: Daughter of the Most High.
Thank You, Lord, for being all that You've promised. Blessed be Your name.
