Untouchable

*I wrote this essay in September of 2011, shortly after I wrote "Just Stand Up" for my senior English class. I love this essay, for it depicts the beginning of my calling as a music teacher and lover of all things choral. I still get nervous when reading the first few paragraphs! Enjoy!*

Untouchable

            “Next up is number three, Baker.” My voice trembled attempting to speak. “It’s Becker, from Manitou,” I replied, groping for my name card to legitimize my complaint. “Oh,” he responded, uninterested and resigned. I took a step into the room that would hold my future captive.

            “Augmented triad,” he instructed under his breath. I expanded my stomach muscles and began to sing. He looked at me through crystal clear bifocals, his ears tuning in to every fluctuation in my voice. Those spectacles continued to seize me up, determining whether or not I was suited for his choir. The choir. The rules forbid him from offering verbal critique, but this rule proved unnecessary; his eyebrows offered me a glimpse into his mind. One elevated eyebrow meant that my diction seemed spot on or that my intervals were pleasing. Two elevated eyebrows indicated that I probably should never have come into the room.

            My audition for the Colorado 2011 All-State Choir took place on October 10^th, 2010. About five years ago, I promised myself that I would claim a spot in that chorus of four hundred boys and girls whose lives also revolved around vocal music. Once the time had approached, however, I felt an overwhelming feeling of self-doubt. Some of the greatest young singers I had known at the time would return from their All-State audition rejected and defeated. My chances seemed slim, but a voice within my intercostal muscles must have influenced my heart otherwise; on October 10^th, I took my sheet music for “Caro Mio Ben” and my second soprano voice to Wasson High School for a rendezvous with fate.

            The bright, yellow audition card taunted me. Three short weeks after the dreaded audition, the results were delivered, placed directly on the obnoxious, yellow card I had received the night of my audition. Only one number existed in my mind, for it determined my involvement in the greatest possible choir I could partake in. I desperately longed for the number eighty to receive consideration.

            “Every year I’ve been a teacher at Manitou,” Mrs. Astley began, “I’ve always had one student go to All-State. So, Becker, you better represent us next year, okay, honey?”

            My heart sank below the boards of the piano. My chance had come and gone. Never in my life had I felt like such a loser.

            She continued, “Because you’re going to have a ton of fun this year!” My eyes widened as I began to instantly cry with joy, for I had succeed in the one, true goal I had set for myself. The rest of the choir clapped in appreciation, and I quickly covered up my mascara-stained, blotchy face. I soon realized that the man who judged me, the man with the bifocals, he knew I would make a place in the choir from the moment I left his room. Mrs. Astley handed over my audition card; I received a score of eighty-eight. I cried more.

 Between the months of November and February, I religiously rehearsed my choral music, seven pieces consisting of three spirituals, one piece in gibberish, two a capella six-parts, and one

piece in Latin. Stress took control over my mind, for I could not focus on school work, other choral pieces, or even my family. Preparation for All-State destroyed my social life (what little of one I possessed to begin with), caused many arguments with my parents, and demoted my self-esteem. Numerous times I buckled underneath the pressure, convincing myself that I had gotten myself into an uncontrollable mess.

            “Let’s take it from measure forty-seven, Conversion of Saul.” A woman in an evergreen sweater politely pointed out where to commence my singing. The second stage of the audition process proved far less a stressor, although hundreds of students still lined the halls of the Denver Convention Center practicing their scaled and triads. I felt confident, though. My preparation and memorization had paid off, and the second stage breezed by. “Welcome to All-State,” the woman congratulated me, shaking my hand. Beaming like an idiot, I thanked her profusely. I walked out of an audition room for the second time not knowing the future of the circumstance, but gathering some satisfaction in the mere fact that I had taken a step out of my bubble to leap for a goal that seemed untouchable.

            All-State Choir remains in my mind as the matchless, unparalleled experience of my young life. When the ground shook from the massive vibrato of four hundred students, I cried. When the choir sung, “let them look up and see no longer me, but only You,” from “Prayer”, I cried. When our director, Dr. Lee Nelson, shed tears due to our inexplicable harmonies and decrescendos, I cried. I probably lost five pounds in shear water weight that weekend. But I will never forget any moment. Sometimes I feel haunted by the fact that I nearly neglected to audition for the choir, that my fear of failure almost overtook my love for music.

            In the midst of fear of failure and fear of diminished dignity, I took a step off the edge, an action I truly have never done before. My conservative ways perpetually kept me within my comfort zone. Despite the disbelief of my success, I still approached a foreign idea and took control of it, rather than it taking control over me. Had I not gone to All-State, I would not know the capacity of my love for music; because of that weekend, I now strive to complete the educational requirements of a choral conductor. I now have the ability to decipher a piece bit by bit, leaving no extraneous detail behind. I feel more complete as a person; thee hilarious fact is, I feel more “dangerous” now because I deem myself a “closet risk-taker.” Gaining the courage to go after something that seemed uncertain or even impossible altered my life in the most radical way. I reaped the benefits of simply trying, and I learned to touch the untouchable.

           

            

Just Stand Up

*This essay was written for my Senior Grammar class in September of 2011. I found it recently on my computer and decided to post it here, for it is one of my favorite essays I've written. Enjoy!*

Just Stand Up

            “You do know how to swim, yeah?” The gorgeous male lifeguard began pulling the boards off of the rack, undoing ropes and tying new ones. Like most Hawaiians in their early twenties, he had tribal tattoos all over his arms and neck. His skin was coffee colored, perfectly bronze; which made my skin look like paste. He looked over at me, expecting an answer to his question. Embarrassed at my gawking, I fiercely nodded my head in affirmation, hoping he didn't notice my staring. He hands me a heavy board, and begins to pick out a lovely red life jacket. “Just in case, ok? These waters get rough this time of day, and I have a feeling you are a malihini.” Although struggling with the board, I attempted to look put together when I asked, “What’s that mean,” immediately realizing my naivety. He chuckled and replied, “It means newbie.”

            The plastic buckles on my life jacket were broken. I could not decide whether this was merely coincidence or a bad omen. Nevertheless, I took small steps off of the safety of the pavement onto the uncertainty of the sand.  I stood for a moment with the sand between my toes, looking onward toward the horizon. The early afternoon sun beat down upon me, but in comforting way. My sunscreen provided an extra layer of security. “I go home in two weeks,” I told myself, baffled. So without further daydreaming, I shuffled into the tide. “Don’t forget the oar,” the lifeguard shouted from twenty feet behind. “Oh, mahalo,” I shouted back. My own father was already out on the water, rowing away.

            “Paddle right, right, right. Left, left. Evened out. Repeat.” A constant stream of instructions went reeling through my head as I attempted to fight the strong winds blowing against me. Thirty minutes had passed, and I had not yet stood upon my board. Fear captivated  me and made me feel paralyzed. “Just keep going. Catch up with Dad. No sharks ‘round here, right?” The winds fought intently to move my board back to where I had started.

            “You just gotta stand up, girl!” I heard a woman’s voice over my shoulder. She appeared to be rowing in the same direction I was, only she was significantly faster. She was standing. Her brown hair was pulled into a loose bun for concentration. She had no life jacket. “Try that left paddle, but do it backwards! So you can turn around!” I turned around as she commanded; after all, she looked well-versed in the activity. “Now, get on your toes and hop up! You gotta do it quick.” During this lecture, mind you, she did not stop rowing once. She adjusted her grip on the oar, as if presenting to me how I was to hold it during my stand of faith. She smiled and nodded, repeating, “Just stand up, just stand up.” She was out of sight in less than two minutes.

            Adjusting my weight to the balls of my feet, I prepared myself for takeoff. I expected to fall into the Pacific where there just happened to be a school of shark lurking about. I expected to embarrass myself further. I expected I would come right back down.

            I stood up. I stood quickly, like the lady instructed. The waves rolled beneath me, with me, not against me. The wind was now guiding me back, quickly and sufficiently. A gasp of excitement left me when I was able to look at the incomprehensible beauty of Honolulu from my own personal vehicle. The moment only lasted about a minute, though; my father’s board collided with mine and I went down like the Titanic. I swam up to the surface and shared a moment of laughter with my father, a moment I treasure to this day. “You ready to hit the road?” he asked me after we collected our giggles. I took another gaze around me, noticing all the families at the beach, the shave ice stand, and the beautiful Waikiki in the distance. “No,” I replied with a chuckle, “But I have to be.”

            

Be Blessed

There is a man who works in my favorite residential dining hall who teaches me the same life lesson every time I see him.

This life lesson is simple but powerful, and it's got me thinking lately.

Every time I come into the dining hall and whenever I walk out after my meal, this young man says the same thing to me: "have a good day, ma'am, and be blessed."

Now, what so perplexes me about what he says lies within the second half of his response. Every time, without fail, he says "be blessed".

He says this to every student without knowing who they are or what they're planning to do that day. He says this statement without any foreknowledge of the students' faith or what they may be struggling with. He does not need any of that information.

I may be over-thinking this (which, you know, I do from time to time, hence the blog), but I really think his greeting and farewell are a great example of how we should view God's desire to bless us. "Being blessed" requires nothing on our own part, nothing of our own human strength. "Being blessed" is the equivalent of receiving blessing, not working for it. It means to stand with outstretched arms in the presence of our Father and say "Thank You" rather than "what do I need to do to get You to give me stuff?" No, this simple phrase "be blessed" is just another way of saying "look around you! Look at everything He's given you. And He ain't done yet."

This, to me, is just beautiful: God gives me the words of this young man every lunchtime to remind me that He is never far and never unwilling to bless. I am reminded of Ephesians 1:3-4 when I hear these unfailing words:

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ. Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes."

So be blessed. Don't try, just open your eyes and see. Just bask in it. It truly is a life-changing realization.

Living Water; Guatemala 2013

This is my thank you letter that I am sending out to all of those that supported my trip to Guatemala. I wanted to put it on the blog just so that anyone can read a little more about our experience there, if they wanted to. Thank you again, everyone!

Jesus replied, “Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.”- John 4:10-14

Dearest friends and family,

            Right now, I’m sitting at my desk in my room at Baylor University. I am surrounded by a mountain of homework and laundry, yet all I want to do is reflect on my trip through this letter. I want to show you just how life-giving this voyage has been for me.

I wanted to write you to say THANK YOU for your support for my trip to Guatemala. The fact that I sent out letters a mere 3 weeks before the departure and received many donations really shows me God’s hand over this trip. However, I am still fund raising this trip, so that’s a bit stressful. But I believe that God will provide. I could not have gone without your help, and I am so thankful for you! My gratitude towards you propels me to share with you the details of my trip.

             As I mentioned in my original letter, I decided to go to Guatemala only a few weeks before the departure date. It was a very difficult decision for me, but I felt God pressing this opportunity on my heart. Despite my lack of preparation, I decided to say “yes” to Him. The other catch was that I would be a driller for the water well. I am not skilled at any sort of manual labor and don’t know a lick of Spanish, yet there I found myself in Guatemala City last Saturday, staring at my surroundings and wondering how God was going to use us.

            We drove from Guatemala City to Antigua. Antigua is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been. It is rustic and authentic, the perfect temperature, and so welcoming. I loved getting the chance to walk around the city and get a feel for the attitude of the people. My team was able to bond more in these initial days in the beautiful Antigua. We retreated to the Living Water house for the first night. The next day, we drove to Nueva Conception, the village where we would be drilling. This village was far different from Antigua. Very run down and dirty, it just screamed poverty. Now we knew where we needed to be.

            Then came the drill. We began by mixing cement, digging out a filtration system, and setting up the rig. Each member on the drill team got the chance to man the rig, replace the pipes, clean out the trenches, and log the samples of sediment derived from each dig. This was a tedious and very specific process, but after the first few feet, everyone was able to get the hang of it. I watched the children of the school play off in the distance. I wanted so badly to go and love on them, but as I held pipes and grease in my hands, I knew that what I must be doing was right there at the rig. They needed water more than they needed my hugs.

            Already, I was seeing how different this trip was from Haiti. In Guatemala, my task was much more specific and difficult. I couldn’t always play with the children. I was exhausted from the work I was doing. But, as challenging as the task was for me, God pulled me through it- the work eventually became easier and even secondhand. The Lord showed me how even though my heart was with the children, He would use me in this task to bring glory to His name.

            And oh, how glorious is His name! We hit water at 125 feet, giving way to a powerful aquifer. The next three days gave us time to set the piping and get the clean water running through. Immediately, children began stripping down and showering in the blasts of the clean water! The team was incredulous, at a loss for words. We couldn’t believe we actually built a well.

            Eventually we had time to play with the children and talk with the villagers. These people were kind and giving, always cooking for us and begging for our hands to hold. One of my greatest memories of the trip was when four adolescent girls braided my hair and asked me how many children I had. (In most small villages in Guatemala, girls are married around the age of 16). Getting to experience these cultural differences opens my eyes to how God works for multiple people groups. Even though these people had so little, they loved the Lord with all their heart, soul, and strength (Luke 10:27).

            The entire goal for the week was to hit clean water. Without this water, the cycle of poverty would only continue. Clean water would be the potential catalyst to bring these people out of that devastation. During this week, my ultimate task was to get that well finished so these people could live healthy lives. I couldn’t imagine anything more important, more sustaining and satisfying, than the clean water that would come from that well. As life-giving, pure, refreshing, miraculous, and as satisfying as it was to see that water come out, the living water of the Lord is more. This well will last them for generations, and even after that, will only need minor repairs. Who knows, maybe by then, all of Guatemala will have clean water. Even still, this thing that will give them life in a way they never knew before pales in comparison to living a life through Christ and receiving the grace of the Father. That, my friends, is the truth that this trip engrained in my mind and changes my life every time I think on it. Not only does God save us from ourselves, but He wishes to give us everything. Everything. And I am so thankful that I could be a part of what He wanted to give to these people in Nueva Conception, Guatemala.

            “Real life starts tomorrow”, said one of the team members yesterday at the airport. Yes indeed, our responsibilities and school work must be attended to now as we are abruptly thrown back into American culture. But real life is what we were doing out in Guatemala. Real life is completing the tasks the Lord gives us and testifying to the good news of God’s grace! (Acts 20:24). We are agents; we are given the privilege of spreading that news. We get to take part in the true living water.

            Thank you again for your support: you all are my miracles J 

Prayer Center

I certainly fear the Lord.

We've all heard this phrase; the command to "fear the Lord" is found all over. Psalms and Proverbs are particularly saturated with it:

• "Fear of the LORD is the foundation of true knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline."

            -Proverbs 1:7

• "Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true wisdom. All who obey his commandments will grow in wisdom."

            -Psalm 111:10

• "The secret of the LORD [is] with them that fear him; and he will show them his covenant."                                         -Psalm 25:14

My whole life, I thought I thought this "fear" meant to simply be reverent to the power and majesty of God. In fact, growing up in Sunday school, I was taught that this fear was specifically not that typical don't-turn-off-the-lights kind of fear we are all used to. Sure, since I've become a follower of Christ, I've done my best to be reverent of my God, trying not to provoke or anger Him.

But recently, He's shown me what it really means to fear Him.

For the past few months, during my prayer time, I've felt that God has told me to be a "prayer center". Now, the first few times I heard this, I was confused as to what a "prayer center" meant. After weeks following, I realized that He was calling me into a lifestyle change of being in constant communication with Him. I believe He wanted me to pray not only constantly but with conviction and expectation. Previous to this, I thought I had already been doing that. But it wasn't until this past semester that I really started to see how God was not only answering prayers, but He was being responsive to very specific prayers and situations. Theoretically, I suppose I knew that God knew my every want and desire, but I don't think I knew that by me simply bringing them to Him, in full surrender, that He would be pleased with that. 

Isaiah 36 talks about how God was wished to bless and protect His people because they prayed to Him with that same conviction He was calling me to. He performed ineffable miracles in order to show the love He had for His people. I see the same response from my God today.

The reason this new found prayer life inspired this fear of the Lord: God answered some prayers I never thought would be answered. Some are too personal for me to really display. He very quickly showed me that when I pray with the belief that He can do anything, He makes Himself more glorious to me. 

I fear Him because I can now more clearly see how He really can do anything and will listen to His children. I am more aware of the words I use when I pray, for I know the impact they might have. I see His power more dramatically portrayed now more than ever, and I am straight up scared of what He is capable of. I want the Lord to hear me, but even more, I want to hear Him. He has made so many things known to me by answering prayer. 

To Him be the glory, for He is The Miracle-Worker, Father, Teacher, Comforter.

I am honored to have the opportunity to watch Him move.

Genres

I don’t have a favorite genre of music. 

Whether it be classical, choral, jazz, hip-hop, disco, musical theater, indie-rock, you name it, I love it. 

I can experience the same heavenly, transcendent experience listening to Beyoncé as I do Eric Whitacre. My musical palate is not limited to a certain kind of meter or key signature or even instrumentation and connotation. Whatever I’m listening to, in that moment, becomes my favorite song. 

I'm entranced by the strained, cigarette-stained throat of John Mayer as well as the animated, computed voice of T-Pain. When I put my iPod on shuffle, I close my eyes and let music take me in. I can see Randall Stroope’s cufflinks shimmer in the concert hall as “The Conversion of Saul” commences just as well as I see Michael Jackson’s glove delicately touch the microphone. I hear the Lord clap his mighty, appreciative hands at the soulful skill of Bille Holliday’s “They Can’t Take That Away From Me” and also for Gershwin’s “Rhapsody in Blue”.  

My soul is moved from earth to heaven in these sacred moments. One ‘music’ with succeeding, daughter sects does not exist; music is one, whole, and all-encompassing.

Music is greater than the boxes we put it in. It is more powerful than most realize. So no, I don't have a favorite genre. Music itself is my favorite genre. Each succeeding beat is a new revelation.

A new perspective. A new moment.

Can you hear it?

A Cleanse Like None Other

For the past two days, I've eaten nothing.

Since Monday, all I've consumed has been the Master Cleanse, a drink that consists of distilled water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. This drink is known for it's success during weight loss, and after I found that out, I was sold.

I'm not unlike every other girl, despite my life in Christ; I still feel uncomfortable in my body and wish I was "prettier" and "skinnier". Certainly not all the time, though. Still, I felt this consuming desire to partake in this cleanse in order to lose weight and jump start a healthier diet. I heard from several people that this sort of thing was actually good for the body, so I figured that was a perk to my scheme.

Let me tell you this: worst two days of my life. While drinking this awful-tasting thing, I experienced nausea, fatigue, crabbiness, and obviously, hunger. Never before have I thought of food so much. I guess while preparing for this cleanse I thought that I would be able to handle the unpleasant taste of the drink, but did not foresee being so hungry. The taste was unpleasant, but not unbearable. Although the cayenne pepper did leave a painful aftertaste at times.

I have to digress back a few weeks to make my point firm. For the past several weeks, I find that I'm always consoling young girls and women my age that there is no need for them to be crash dieting, starving themselves, or exercising excessively for weight loss: "You are beautiful right now! Don't base your worth on the number on the scale! Don't put a numerical limit on how God views you!", and so on and so forth. I was preaching an awful lot on self-worth, even writing songs and my last blog post about it! I had young girls approach me profusely with "thank you"'s the past few weeks with how my advice helped them so much in rediscovering their self-confidence. I felt so overjoyed to have been used this way by our Father, the One who loves us no matter our weight, shape, or size.

He loves us far beyond our quantity (or lack there of, in some cases). He loves us even beyond many of our qualities. Unconditional means without condition. I was preaching unconditional love to young girls.

I did not apply this unconditional love, acceptance, beauty, or grace to myself, though.

Not that I didn't think that God loves me no matter what I look like, but I equated my beauty with the number on my scale; I wanted to be thin for me, and unjustly so. I wanted the image, the fantasy, the attention, none of which are justified reasons to go on a crash diet, not for me at least.

I tried to apply a spiritual element to the cleanse, claiming that since this is the Lenten season, I could pray every time I got hungry. But I could not admit this as legitimate for long: How could I give God this "sacrifice" when it was not intended for Him in the first place? It was all for me. For my pride.

I know this was only a 2 day period of not eating. How could I have realized such a profound thing in 2 days, you might be asking. Well, I pray an awful lot. I pray for closeness and wholeness in Christ, and when one prays in that way, God tends to show up. I believe that He convinced me to stop after such a short time because one can only go so long living with Christ beside them before realizing their unwise paths. He spoke to me through friends that were concerned, and even more than that, spoke through friends who straight-up demanded that I stop.

I also figured that this cleanse was something I wouldn't want to tell my good friends or family about, which, for future reference, probably means it's not a wise idea to begin with.

Please don't misunderstand me: I'm not saying that dieting and living a healthy lifestyle are sinful matters. Not at all! I believe that our bodies are temples and that we should care for them properly. But what I was doing was not for health or "cleansing". The only cleansing I can experience with guaranteed effects is the blood of my Savior, who forgives me and welcomes me home every time I come to Him with tears in my eyes.

I suppose "cleansing" is a loaded word. One could go on a cleanse, as in a diet, to rid their body of impurities. One can cleanse themselves externally, to eliminate the obvious physical imperfections. But the cleanse that I needed, the one that actually benefited me these past few days, was a reminder of my Father who cares for me and sees me as more than a body.

He sees you as a child, one that He created like no one else. You are cleansed through Him. That's all we really need.

"She checks out her reflection in the mirror, for some reason, 

she don't see that beauty is in the picture. 

Thinking her image's flawed, He ain't make her like those models. 

Thinks her figure's a mistake, He only making Coke bottles. 

Nah, coke bottles are plastic, mannequins are plastic, 

but you are fantastic."

 -"Beautiful" by PRo