"Because... I love you!"
"Yes, but why?"
"I just love you... I can't explain it! It's just... love!"
(After saying this, he licked my elbow. The tender moment was over before it had time to blossom ;))
My six-year-old brother is teaching me more about love than I've ever really known. Sometimes it's inexplicable, like in V's experience. Usually unexpected, like a lick on the elbow. Love's hardly ever something we deserve.
It's funny to me that we desire the love of one person, sometimes so badly, that we cannot see past the love we are given by dozens of others. I am overwhelmed with love when I am with my family, friends, mentors, residents, worship band, and staff. I take a step back from my own clouded perspective: I see how richly God has blessed me with overflowing love, to give and to receive.
So why do I focus on the love I don't see? The love I don't receive? The small bits of rejection that shouldn't dictate how I feel on a given day? Why do I feel so insignificant when I find out that someone's "I love you" does not mean the same as mine?
I coach myself, saying, "just give it to God, just give it to God", but sometimes, I just don't. Mostly, I really don't know what that means. How do I "give" something to Him that I cannot even define, that I don't want to touch? I beat myself up for not moving on quick enough, for intentional bad choices. I dwell in what I've done wrong, in why I could be deemed "unloveable".
These little moments of coaching myself are mere cover-ups. They are mental fronts that prevent me from breaking down or appearing not put together. I hate looking like a mess to people. In fact, a huge reason I started this blog was to show people that we are all messy, even people like me who say things like "give it to God" all the time. Although I often give vague, spiritual-sounding advice like that, sometimes I don't know how to apply it in my own life. But who does; life is messy and He knows us better than we know ourselves. He has better things planned for us, better than what we might have cooked up for our own lives.
We've all heard that love is patient and kind. That it doesn't boast, that it endures all things. But I also think love is dynamic. I think it changes as we change. Sometimes love has to take on a different meaning as we enter into new stages of life. Our love for one another might not have a clear definition, but there is One Love has the most constant, ever-present meaning we will ever know.
"Your unfailing love is better than life itself; how I praise You! I will praise You as long as I live, lifting up hands to you in prayer" -Psalm 63:3-4
I've prayed this psalm plenty of times. Sometimes, I say it shouting for joy, overcome with happiness. Other times, I say it through a tear-soaked prayer, the words not really comprehensible. But today, as I say them again, I am reminded of Vincent's explanation of love. It is not something one can understand. But it's better than life! Life! Better than the gilded symbols of "love" that we see on a daily basis. And I will praise Him for His love. I'll praise Him when I don't understand life or why I can't seem to shake things off. I'll praise Him when there's nothing more to say. I believe that in this way, I am giving my heartache to the Lord. He fills me up with His goodness and reminds me that His love is strongest. He has not a picky love, like the kind we see and experience here in this life, but an all-consuming embrace. His love says to just love Him back. I am satisfied by that.
(Just a few people who fill me up with love)
(Austin and Cassie)
(North Village Staff)
(North Village Staff)
(Devon and Danielle)
(Daddy)
(Kristin)
(Mommy and Celeste)
(Vincent)
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